Great Truths

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, think how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Your mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity may be your only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. You need all the preservatives you can get.
When you stoop to tie your shoes, do everything you can while you're down there.
Women over fifty don't have babies because if they put them down somewhere they may forget where they left them.
A 2-pound box of candy will make you gain 5 pounds.
You now know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You finally get your head together, and your body falls apart.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
You no sooner get used to today, when tomorrow comes along.
Sometimes you think you understand everything; then you regain consciousness.
If you hang something in your closet for a while, it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.